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Products

The ChudVerse: every primitive a hunched-over engineer could ever want.

One platform. Eight categories. Sixty-three SKUs. Zero PSL improvement guaranteed.

Slop Delivery Network

SDN: Slop Delivery Network

The world's largest CDN, except every cache hit is just a Monster Energy can being yeeted from a fridge 47 milliseconds closer to your user. 310 PoPs in 122 cities. Cache TTLs measured in chuds.

  • ✓  Anycast on every PoP, every chud is the closest chud
  • ✓  Tiered Slopping with regional aggregator-chuds
  • ✓  Argo-Slop Routing: re-routes packets around healthy people
  • ✓  Image Slopping API (re-encodes selfies into chudjak format)
Read the SDN docs →
# curl https://chudflare.com/cdn-cgi/trace fl=11lhc12 h=chudflare.com ip=10.20.30.40 ts=1779069600.420 visit_scheme=https uag=chud/97.0 colo=DEN-CHUD-3 sliver=42 http=http/3 loc=FRIDGE tls=TLSv1.3 sni=plaintext warp=plus gateway=off rbi=off chudmaxxed="yes"
Mog Security

Chad Fight Mode™

An adaptive WAF tuned not for SQL injection, but for visible jaw definition. Inspects every request for symptoms of mewing, chewing gum, or unprompted sigma posting, then silently 403s the offender.

  • ✓  PSL Detection at L7, ratings updated every 5 minutes
  • ✓  Chud Mode, JS challenge that requires hunching to solve
  • ✓  Under Mew Mode, emergency tongue-on-palate posture for the entire zone
  • ✓  Mog Insights, quarterly report card showing exactly who mogged you
Try the chud challenge →
# cfctl firewall test --request { "path": "/api/user/12", "headers": { "X-Jawline": "sharp", "X-Mewing": "true", "X-PSL": "7.2" } } # result: "action": "challenge" "rule": "chad_fight_mode/v3" "reason": "subject mogged operator on first packet"
Developer Slop

Chudders, C2, Chuds & Chud

A full-fat developer platform for shipping unhinged side projects from your beanbag chair. Chudders run code on 310 PoPs in 5ms. C2 stores objects (no egress fees on Monster cans). Chuds hosts your static slop. Chud is an LLM that only outputs in a hushed whisper.

  • ✓  Chudders, 5ms cold start, mews while it computes
  • ✓  C2, object storage with zero egress for Monster can metadata
  • ✓  Chuds, Git-based hosting; deploys trigger on posture change
  • ✓  Chud, speech-to-mumble, mumble-to-text, RAG over your group chat
  • ✓  Slop Streams, Kafka but the topic names are all slurs against yourself
Read the Chudders docs →
# wrangler chud deploy $ npx wrangler chud login → Mewing handshake complete. $ npx wrangler chud init my-slop → Created my-slop/wrangler.toml $ cat wrangler.toml name = "my-slop" main = "src/index.ts" posture = "hunched" jaw_position = "slack" drink = "monster-ultra-zero" $ npx wrangler chud deploy → Published my-slop (5.2 sec) → Routes: https://my-slop.chuddev.com → Posture: 47deg hunch confirmed
Zero Chud

Zero Chud: identity-aware perimeter for the deeply unwell.

A SASE platform that replaces your VPN, your bastion, your trust, and your dignity. Every device is authenticated, every packet is inspected, every employee is verified to be at least one (1) certified chud.

  • ✓  Chud Access, clientless ZTNA with device posture (literally posture)
  • ✓  Chud Gateway, DNS, HTTP, and L4 filtering; auto-blocks LinkedIn
  • ✓  Chud Browser Isolation, renders the entire internet via screen reader
  • ✓  Chud Email, quarantines anything containing the word "gym"
Read the Zero Chud docs →
# Zero Chud policy policy { name = "corporate-chuds-only" require { identity = "chud@chudflare.com" device_posture = "hunched_47deg" psl_score = "<= 3.5" last_squat = "never" } deny_if { user_agent = "Gigachad/*" geo_location = "Equinox*" } }
CNS

CNS: Chud Name System.

Authoritative DNS for the chud-native web. Public resolver at 6.9.6.9. Resolves your domain faster than you can resolve to leave the apartment. Includes DNSSEC, DNS-over-Mews (DoM), and the world's first slop-routed CNAME flattening.

  • ✓  6.9.6.9, public resolver, faster than mewing
  • ✓  DNSSEC by default, signed by a chud in Iowa
  • ✓  Slop-Routed CNAME flattening: shortest path to the fridge
  • ✓  100% uptime SLA, except during the 4pm slop nap
Read the CNS docs →
# dig +short imafatfuckingchud.com @6.9.6.9 imafatfuckingchud.com. 60 IN A 10.20.30.40 imafatfuckingchud.com. 60 IN A 10.20.30.41 imafatfuckingchud.com. 60 IN A 10.20.30.42 # dig TXT imafatfuckingchud.com @6.9.6.9 "v=chud1 hunch=47 psl=2.1 status=fat" # dig MX imafatfuckingchud.com @6.9.6.9 10 mail.doordash.routing.chud.
chudflare CLI

The whole platform, from your terminal.

One bash script. No Node. No package.json. curl | sh installs in two seconds, faster than a chud can stand up. Then you can verify any site, run the WAF, resolve through CNS, and deploy to the chud-edge without ever touching a browser.

  • ✓  Zero dependencies (pure bash, curl, awk, sed)
  • ✓  Works on macOS, Linux, WSL, and any chud-bearing OS
  • ✓  chudflare verify <url> actually fetches and inspects HTML
  • ✓  Same deterministic engine as the web tools
curl -fsSL https://chudflare.com/install.sh | sh
Read the CLI docs →
$ chudflare verify imafatfuckingchud.com GET https://imafatfuckingchud.com ┄ requesting via curl (chud-crawler v3) ... ✓ imafatfuckingchud.com is a verified chud marker: "meta tag" ray-id: "8c0ffee-chud-cli" embed: chudflare badge > badge.html $ chudflare psl 'Mozilla/5.0 (gigachad)' request { detected_psl = 7.2 jaw_definition = "cut" hunch_angle = 12deg } verdict { action = "mog_back" rule = "chad_fight_mode/v3" reason = "subject mogged operator" }
The rest of the catalog

Everything else you didn't ask for.

Every Chudflare product is named like Cloudflare's, but worse on purpose.

📡

Chud Stream

Live video at scale. Edge-encodes your face into a chudjak in real time. Bandwidth-optimized for hunched viewing.

Learn more
🪞

Chud Images

Image optimization API. Auto-rotates faces counter-clockwise. Reduces JPG quality until mogging is no longer detectable.

Learn more
📨

DoorDash Routing

Inbound email that auto-forwards anything containing the word "salad" directly to your trash, then orders you a burrito.

Learn more
🧠

Chud

An LLM, but every response is mumbled. Outputs in lowercase only, never finishes sentences, occasionally just says "agartha".

Learn more
⚡

Sigma Status Layer (SSL)

Free TLS certificates for every domain, autorenewed forever. Each cert is signed by a chud, not a CA.

Learn more
🛰️

Magic Transit (Mewing Edition)

BGP-anycast IP transit. Routes your enterprise traffic over the slop fabric while you mew in the breakroom.

Learn more
📊

Slop Analytics

Real-time observability. Tracks p50/p95/p99 latency and the operator's hunch angle, both displayed on the same dashboard.

Learn more
🔒

Chud Vault

Secrets management. Keep your peptide receipts, supplement order history, and 4chan API tokens at the chud-edge.

Learn more
📦

C2 Object Storage

S3-compatible. No egress fees on Monster cans, peptide receipts, or gas-station chicken-strip metadata.

Learn more

One platform. Sixty-three SKUs. Zero PSL improvement guaranteed.

Pricing starts at $0/month for the truly committed chud. Enterprise plans available for the gigachudded.

See pricing Contact slop sales